The Promise of a Puppy
Valentine has been with me for almost 6 years now, and during that time her early life experiences and trauma caught up with her. She changed from a happy, playful, and social puppy into an adult who was quick to aggressively over-react to other dogs' misteps, even attacking her brothers with whom she coexisted peacefully only a year prior.
So there were fights and blood, nothing too serious, but enough that after the boys passed in 2025 I gave her 9 months to decompress from pack life and enjoy being a singleton. That's it. I never got another dog. Happily ever after. It's so tempting to let that be the solution, but life had other plans...
In order to continue helping dogs in need I have to have a working or teacher dog. Valentine is great, but she's very heat sensitive and only getting older. I think she likes the photo shoots, but would like to retire from the actual work. So, I was faced with a very hard decision. How can I bring another dog into this home?
When you have personally dealt with severe intra-pack aggression you never want to again, so this was a really big and risky move for me. And to be honest one I really wanted to avoid.
Why? It felt like the start to my end. I was so scared of all the things that could go wrong, including me failing to 'get my shit together' or, to be present and mindful after a long day to continue doing my job at home.
Here's what I mean. Working with reactive dogs requires mindfulness, being present, and vulnerable. And frankly, my dear, that's giving exhausting for my autistic, adhd, and perimenopausal brain. My home is the ONLY place I have to disengage from being a behaviorist. I struggle going out because I see so many dogs being mishandled, mistreated, ignored etc and seeing that literally hurts and overwhelms me, so I stay home, a lot. And now even my home wasn't going to be an escape. It felt like life, my brain, and my trauma were all conspiring against me, and had been forcing me toward this existential pinch-point for years.
For a decade I've been able to turn it on and mask for my clients, to do the emotional work with them to only come home and fall apart for myself. It had been so long since I had a win. I'd been in a slump for a while. I really never recovered after the hurricanes blew through my nest egg and life a few years ago.
Specifically, I worried my depression would win, I would get overwhelmed, my anxiety would spike, I wouldn't be able to keep up with clients, and ultimately I'd finally show myself as the failure I'm afraid I am AND ruin the lives of two dogs at the same time. The jig was about to be up I thought.
Where does all that absolute shite with a side of imposter syndrome come from? Its what I call our own 'itty bitty shitty committee'. That one voice in your head that sounds like us for so long, then one day, usually in therapy, you hear it for who it truly is - the combination of every abusive, hurtful, traumatic voice you've ever listened to in your life soaked so far into your own subconscious that you thought it was your own voice, your own thoughts. And without knowing any better you've let it silently control your life, all along blaming yourself. FUCK. Right?
Helping and teaching are my soul's calling. So, I decided it was time to BE different. I decided. And each day I have to decide again. Some days I make better decisions than others.
It was time, to once again get serious about healing... for me, Valentine, and all my clients, past, present, and future. And not just as a quid-pro-quo with my brain, or a means to an end. But to dig in every day that I could, for me. Me.
Recently you've heard me talk about healing dogs and their moms; it's not JUST talk. I knew Valentine would have an easier time accepting a puppy versus an adult dog, so I nervously brought George home in May 2026.
Over the past three years I've been cooking... in therapy, with my physical health, with my dogs, and with this business. And instead of giving into fear I finally tried what my therapist has begged me to do for about 6 years: not escape, numb, or avoid. Don't learn more or intellectualize my psychology. But to GO inward, FEEL life, and find (my) faith. Faith that the universe is dancing with me. Faith I can ask the universe for help. Faith I can sit with fear, pain, sadness and come out alive.
So instead of giving into the fear of failure I yelled at the Universe about how unfair it all was, I asked for help to find the opportunity in the struggle and not numb out, escape, or avoid. I really fucking welcomed it. I invited it in, it stood beside me on every hot day and muggy night as I potty trained George, or worked to give Valentine positive experiences with George, and as I learned to trust Valentine and she learned to trust George. And as the days passed it became something of a gift. It gave me an opportunity to find myself, to help myself heal.
What most people don't know is that I have severe dog related C-PTSD. 20 years ago I was attacked by one of my own dogs after he suffered brain damage. Afterwards I noticed a timidity around dogs that I'd never had before - but my fears were limited to large black dogs. So I thought I was ok - just don't work large black dogs with aggression. Then over the past 2 decades I witnessed and intervened in numerous dangerous dog fights, between my own dogs and others'. Those sounds haunt me and I still have night terrors and flashbacks. The ptsd has made me severely hyper-vigilant, to the point where I cannot attend or run dog playgroups because I will hyperventilate. You've probably noticed how jumpy I am, too.
Its painfully obvious, even if you aren't a shrink, that I work with reactive dogs because I'm a reactive human. I understand them behaviorally, psychologically, and intuitively. It gives me insight that education can't. But I truly believe life was telling me that to reach my goal of meaningfully helping as many folks as I could I had to heal myself. I had to experience what I've been asking others to do for years. I had to be the example.
For years my brain could not tolerate the sound of dogs playing because they were so close to the growls and snaps and breathing in those dog fights. But now, after a long process of setting myself up to succeed, building my confidence and coping skills in therapy, and being my own biggest fan I was able to fuck around and not only heal myself, but I got the gift of watching Valentine find her joy again, to learn to trust again.
There is still work to do - between the girls and within myself. That shit never ends. But I'm able to hear growling and barking, see teeth flashing, lips curled, bodies collide and see it for what is truly is, instead of being colored by my trauma.
And goddammit - that is exactly what I do for folks and their dogs. I created a program to build them up, create relationship and trust, and then help them work through the things that have silently shaped their lives without them even noticing.
I'm glad I found hope and truly trust that the universe is working with me. And I can't wait to see how my story grows and allows me to help more reactive dogs and their moms.
-Jessica
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